Letter to the Authors
by Fiercest
Summary: For all of you who have ever read a horrible story that made you want to scream: I think its the characters turns to fight back, don't you? //2: ...Didn't this happen last week?//
1. The Haruno Sakura of Bleach

**A/N: I am the new queen of parodies. …that's not cocky at all XD**

**No I'm not but I can dream. You'll see a lot more parodies from me. Ranging from Ichigo and Rukia's clichéd kisses to a spoof of every Karincentric fic I've ever read.**

**Ah well….there will be more of these from a bunch of different characters! Yay.**

**And so the insanity begins…**

Letters to the…Authors?

Ichigo woke up to loud clicking sounds. He opened his eyes and splayed his hand over his eyes, shielding them from the sunlight coming in through his window. The young shinigami representative pulled down the blinds, allowing him to see again. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand to see the bright red numbers 10:31.

His head pounded and he was exhausted but he was sure he had somewhere to be. So he slowly sat up before remembering that it was Saturday and he could sleep in if he wanted. The poor boy flopped back onto his bed to catch a few more minutes of sleep but the clicking noise persisted.

He cracked one eye back open to see Rukia typing away at his newly acquired laptop. "Ugh," the sixteen year old groaned, "can you not do that here?"

She didn't answer. She was too entranced at what she was looking at on the screen. She had a look of shock on his face that would normally have send him into hysterics but he was just too damn tired.

"What are you looking at?" he got up and rubbed his eyes.

She shook her head. Her jaw unhinging and pointed to the screen.

He read over her shoulder as she began to shake in rage.

"Holy sh-!"

X x X

Dear fans of Tite Kubo's acclaimed manga/anime 'Bleach',

I am here to address the issues pertaining to my tarnished reputation because of my apparent appearances in some of your fanfictions. Because according to all of you I am some slutbag who is into not only pedophilia, but necrophilia, bestiality, treason and...slut..ism?

I am not the Haruno Sakura of bleach okay? I am not. I repeat: NOT. Pairable with every. Single. Freaking. Man. in Sereitei. Honestly, who jumps into bed with some man who they've had a conversation with maybe once? Certainly not me.

According to all of you this is how bleach happens:

I suddenly jump Ichigo after 2-50 or so years of sexual tension then he Renji and I have a totally hot orgie in which I get pregnant with a love child of whom I'm not sure which is the father. Then the plot thickens when Byakuya comes forward and says he would marry me and take responsible for the child and protect my honor. Somehow everyone is heartbroken but wont say a damn fucking word, THEN I lose the baby, Byakuya disowns me and in a fit of abandonment I run into the arms of my captain who has obviously (note the sarcasm) been in love with me since I entered his division, smiled sweetly at him and gave him flowers while wishing him to feel better. Then I have some sort of kinky sex with him in which Sentarou and Kiyone burst in on us in the middle then join us.

Oh, I'm not even CLOSE TO DONE! After that Ichigo magically comes to realize he is in love with me and that the reason it felt ever so right sleeping with me was because he had always been but never known it. So JUST when everything is perfect Kaien comes back from the dead (again) claiming he made a mistake in not leaving his wonderful, beautiful and loving wife for me and that he wants me back.

Oh, I forgot. I also lost my virginity to him the night I got to squad thirteen.

So in my dismay and hatred of all things male. I run off on a mission to get stronger and distract myself from the child I loved and lost in my womb.

I end up training myself for not four…not three…but two days on my own before achieving bankai and running off to Hueco Mundo to kill Aizen because I believe that I'm strong enough to do that now.

Then the plot thickens again and Grimmjow somehow shows up and in the middle of our battle we all of a sudden make out heatedly. It takes that, some tequila and a papercut to make me realize that I love Ichigo not Kaien (I'm not sure what that had to do with anything in the first place though).

So I return to him somehow way more gorgeous and 'endowed' than before and me and Ichigo have make up sex…again.

But of course he's human and I'm a shinigami so our love is not to be so we run off to the human world where I get stung by a special Aizen-hanced hollow which has the power to make me develop and inner hollow forcing Ichigo to take me to the Vaizards to be trained.

Then when soul society is cowering on its knees before mine (and Ichigo's) awesome power, the vaizards fade into the background never heard from again and we're accepted back and both given captains positions.

Then Ichigo gets down on one knee and proposes to me but before I can say yes Orihime walks by in a super sexy bikini (nevermind why shes wearing that or what shes doing in soul society) and Ichigo runs to chase after her screaming "Sorry gotta go, I'm dumping you kthxbi!"

After which I'm so broken and alone that I turn into even more of a slut and sleep with all the men I haven't yet slept with in soul society and then some in Hueco Mundo and the human world.

THEN Ichigo comes back weeping saying he realized I'm the only one for him.

It's never ending.

Do you see what I'm getting at, you friggin p-?!

NO! NO!!! ICHIGO GET THE FUCK OFF ME!!! THEY NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!!!!! GODDAMIT YOU'RE STILL SIXTEEN AND THEY'RE USING US TO GET THEIR WEIRD FETISHES OUT OF THEIR SYSTEMS! It's a conspiracy! IM TELLING YOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!

…Rukia is deeply sorry for bashing your crappy fanfiction. I'm sure she did a shitty job of it and I'll proceed to come after all of you later.

Kthxbi

…ha.

**A/N: Just so you know…I don't actually think all these pairings are messed up. Some are actually pretty cool. And not all fanfiction sucks. Just a really high percentage. Sorry.**

**There's just only so many clichés I can take!**

**Love you all! Request who you want to go next!**

**Review please. xoxo**


	2. Super Special Awesome Plot Twists

**A/N: Yeah, I know I promised some people Renji and Byakuya next….Im horrif I know…but that ones half written and this ones been finished for forever.**

**Oh well… Making fun of plots is fun!**

…**.Sorry –cowers in corner-**

**Disclaimer: If I did I'm not sure I would allow fanfiction….Okay I would.**

Letter to the Authors

Super Special Awesome Plot Twists

"You _are_ kidding right?"

"Nope."

"You sure? 'Cause the last one destroyed our base in a wondrous display of explosive energy unlike anything we've ever seen before," he discreetly glanced at the glaringly highlighter pink cue card that could in no way be mistaken for what we think it is. Really. "Even Ku-ro-sa-ki Ichi-go." He squinted and read robotically. "look shocked…..oh."

"Would you just train her?" Hitsugaya growled, shoving the 22-year-old woman in his direction.

Karin planted her feet and looked up at the structure. "I'll definitely control that monster within me that tears up my very soul." She pressed the back of her hand to her forehead and clutched her heart dramatically, her black/silver/blue/purple eyes glistening with the tears she was unwilling to shed because she was just too tough for that.

"Dude," Hirako began, "How'd she change eye colors so quick?"

"Contacts," she shrugged, suddenly grinning genuinely which made Hitsugaya want to pee his pants in fear of what she was really thinking and wish for the canon Karin back. "Oh don't worry Shiro-chan! I'm only scary on the outside, in reality I am kind and gentle and wish I was a mother because I desperately seek love!" She ran her hand through her long, waist length, silky black hair that somehow never got tangled and had natural (coughrightcough) red highlights while sparkles erupted from thin air around her.

Shinji was dizzy from all the adjectives.

"You're doubting me!" the probably bi-polar girl shouted suddenly, stickinh as finger in the poor vaizard's face.

"I am?" I blinked dubiously while pointing at himself in confusion.

"You are!" she confirmed, "And I shall prove myself by beating you in a fight."

[Insert movie montage of heart wrenching moments in which Karin works herself to the bone all in preparation for this moment which she had no way in predicting.]

"It was all for this," she hissed.

"1, 2, 3, begin." Kensei, who appeared beside Toshirou, looking absolutely delectable and scrumptious and sexy and- what was I talking about?

In the blink of an eye, or during the time in which the author was distracted by the awesomeness that is Kensei, Karin was standing in back of Shinji, her more-georgous-than-any-other Zanpaktou poised to slit his throat.

"Well that was quick." The ref muttered.

"Oh no," Shinji murmured, ignoring his comrades comments, "I lost."

"CUT!!" Author shrieks, "MORE EMOTION!"

"I cant," –chokes dramatically- "Believe I lost!" he fell to his knees. "…better?"

"Much. ACTION!"

Shinji stared up at the regal yet resigned, kind yet fierce, tough yet sweet, ("get on with it already!" Hiyori shrieks) beautiful woman.

-Pause-

"Is this the part where me n' Kensei fall madly in love with her and Mashiro and Hiyori become uncharacteristically jealous? 'Cause that happened two weeks ago."

"Too bad," Author growls, "Now go. ACTION!"

-Unpause-

"You are my first and only love Karin-chan!" he said in wonder.

"She's mine buttmunch!" Kensei proclaimed in a completely out of character insult.

He'd usually far wittier.

"Actually," Kurosaki Karin giggled, "I'm Toshirou's, we had hot sex, then I got pregnant with our love child but sadly our family was not meant to be for a Menos Grande attacked and though I fought well he killed my human body, effectively killing my precious baby that I somehow never knew I wanted but miss terribly. So my one true love Hitsugaya Toshirou took me to Urahara to save me and leave me human because he doesn't want me to become a monstrous vampire like hi- oh wait…wrong series." She shook her head to clear it, making sparkles fly off it and the rest of the Vaizards who magically appeared cough on the glittery dust.

"But now I am unable to control my inner beast who resides within my mind. So here I am!"

"You know," Hiyori remarked, "She's much more out of character than the last on. You know the one Jinta brought in?"

"But that one was 15, this ones 22 Hiyori-chan." Mashiro whispered behind her hand loudly.

"Don't these authors have something more original to write? They're all copying the same plotline." Kensei grumbled.

"Don't look at me," Toshirou told them exasperatedly, "Its not like I like it either."

"Yeah, because doin' the nasty with hot!Karin must suck so bad."

Suddenly, from out of the dark abyss that surrounded the warehouse omninously a dramatic shout was heard. "Noooooooooo!!!" even more suddenly (and unexpectedly) Ichigo shunpoed towards the gathering of shinigami vaizard things. "Please help Rukia, she has somehow developed a new plot twist! Without my knowledge too! She got touched by a super special awesome genetically modified hollow that turns her into a Vaizard too!"

"And so thickens the plot!" Orihime shouts, suddenly appearing on screen, waving her arms around.

"I'm telling you, this happened a week ago!" Hiyori shrieked.

"Tune in next time," Orihime continued, completely ignoring her, "When Aizen comes back from the dead (again) opens up the gates of hell and kidnaps Momo to be his sex toy!"

"Aw screw it!"

"KNOW YOUR PLACE CRETIN!!! I OWN YOU!!!!" Random author who forgot to add the disclaimer shouts.

-Insert Tite Kubo's lawyers dog piling on said author-

You have been warned.

Freedom of expression is great, but reading some of this bullshit is torture.

**A/N: I know, I know: SERENDIPITY SIERRA! WRITE ADMNIT!**

**Oh well.**

**At least I'm updating something.**

**Next: Renji and Byakuya in the **_**Twilight Zone**_**.**

**Be afraid. Be **_**very**_** afraid.**


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